whY cant I be the waY I meant to BE........

.....once again the day went off reltively mild than it was. The word relatively is mentioned here because the sun is expected to glow more than it was already. A week before couple of days, Sun was horribly blazing on chennai, a record breaking in the history of Chennai's hot weather. But for the past two its bit coool as though the sun has gone for a tea break.

Working with some unfinished jobs, the day started typically with a yawn in the dawn. Hastily woking with those, just to get rid out of that job as soon as possible, i sat and set to work. With increasing friction i completed a major part of work with a huge sigh. Closing that both on the screens and on my mind, trying hard to focus on something else where my mind could rest for peace or relax itself. Then came a relative of mine, who was gathering votes for his party and was demanding to cast for his party. With some hot, spicy and controversial dialogues with him about his party, my mind got tensed up and it was like as though there is some nuclear fusion reactions taking place up inside my skull without my knowledge. This growing heat made me to everything except to think why and what am i doing???


With a single spark of this thought in my head made everyother thing go out of the blue, which was like a heavy motor which has been rotating with deafening sound has been suddenly switched off and i felt a sudden chill prevail inside my skull and freezing all other parts. This transition was also painful, as all these are happening to me with my knowledge but out of my control. Now everything started to cool down and i could feel some soothing breeze brushing away all the affected parts and could feel some sort of healing work being done inside me. Now i sat silently and became a spectator of the happenings that is taking place inside me. Initially the pain was unbearable but now to enjoy this pleasure that pain is of no sinificance. Another small was drawing my concenteration and concience out to some other thing. Going along the way led to a big ? After a deep search i found the question that was escalating in frequency within me is why cant i be the way i meant to be???

Before even erealising this another followed the same way to hit me...and that was... Was this is to me alone or is this question in everyone???

Just to comfort myself, i take it this way that everybody has this question, where some must have found the answer, some stil searching for, in some this might have not yet arised(because they are yet to realise their deviation, if at all) and some might be on the right track.
Coming to the same question again, i once realised and recllected what i thought i must be and reviewing how i was and how am i now? There was a lot of deviation. Now its heartbreaking for me to know that im far away from how i should be, what i thought of achieving and what i am currently. Why dint i note this deviation in me in the beginning? This question is valid one and must be justified. As im a good pacifier of my faults, an immediate answer came but unfortunately that was 200% right too. That was, the reason why i did not feel thatim getting deviated in the beginning was, the deviation which happened in the beggining was too small and that deviation is known tome at that time. The thing which made me to compromise was, since the deviation was too small, i thought i can get back on track anytime i need. The best thing was since i knew of this deviation, i maintained that level of deviation such that i does not develop that developed one.
Time went on and on, where in the mean time i forgot that there is a deviation developed inme and i need to get back. And before i could realise, a sudden disaster or desire(two sides of a coin) took me totally away from the initial one. So i forgot where am i and where i need to go.

I could not find any traces of my old track and also could not remember where i was travelling due to the sudden blow. Later, as time passed on, i could partially get to know of where i was and how i am here. But i am not able to get back or rollback things happened because i take most things to my heart and also to add on this had more impact which stopped me from turning back. Instead i started walking up the way that was infront of me with all the sweet memories and strengths given to me. But now i am very careful each and everystep of mine, i too get diverted and deviated by the circumstances but there was always a caution over head which indicates me to get back on track as soon as possible.

Let My sweet memories and the merries of the future pave way for me, hoping that this might lead to the final destiny where i should reach, if not i have my own strength along with everyones faith and confidence on me and the love and affection of my friends and above all is my life and hope which i wil never lose til i reach my destiny...
Let me say one thing, something which stops me from commiting most serious mistakes are the faith and confidence that others has on me. Really God or the Almighty has given me a great gift of loving hearts always sorrounding, protecting and praying for me forever.

After some serious thoughts, i erased those fom my memory once i have typed those. Now my current aim is not to get back on track(becoz i need not want that) or reach my destiny(i knew i wil someday), but the answer is to do the best whatever i can to all whom i come across in this current path, with my fullest heart and with no half measures and to be polite atleast to unknowns...

(**I know this is bit more bigger and harder to read the entire one. So i thank u all for ur world of patience in reading this)